Some days working with children feel like ice cream.

Sweet moments. Real connection. The kind of joy that reminds you why you chose this work.

Other days?

They’re cuss-word days.

The kind where you smile professionally while wondering how we are still blaming children for things science has explained for decades.

Let’s start with the part that isn’t up for debate.

When a child is dysregulated, their brain is in survival mode. Stress responses activate systems designed to protect the body, not support learning. In that state, language, impulse control, and reasoning are limited. This isn’t a lack of motivation or effort. It’s neurology.

Which brings us to the phrase we lean on far too often: calm down.

Here’s the problem—self-regulation is not a prerequisite skill. It is an outcome. Children learn it through repeated experiences of co-regulation: being supported, steadied, and guided by calm, regulated adults. Research consistently shows that children develop regulatory skills through relationships, not isolation or punishment (Feldman, 2007; Murray et al., 2016).

In practical terms, co-regulation looks like:

• Predictable routines instead of constant correction
• Adults who can pause before reacting
• Support offered before consequences
• A classroom climate that prioritizes safety over control

This isn’t permissiveness. It’s instructional.

Decades of developmental and educational research demonstrate that stress impairs learning. When adults respond to dysregulation with punishment, removal, or shame, stress increases—and behavior escalates (Blair & Raver, 2015; Shonkoff et al., 2012). In other words, the very responses meant to “teach a lesson” often make the problem worse.

And yet, systems continue to ask:

Why can’t this child control themselves?

A more honest question might be:

Why are we expecting children to perform skills we have not explicitly taught—or modeled?

Accountability matters. Expectations matter. Structure matters.

But none of those work without regulation.

If we want students to manage emotions, transitions, frustration, and change, then adults must be prepared to model those skills consistently. Regulation is contagious. So is dysregulation. Classrooms reflect the nervous systems of the adults who lead them.

This series exists to challenge the idea that children are the problem.

They aren’t.

Outdated practices are.

So yes—there is ice cream in this work. The connection, the growth, the moments that make it worth it.

And yes—there are cuss words. The frustration of watching systems cling to discipline models that ignore what we know about the brain.

We can do better.

And if we’re serious about supporting kids, we have to.

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